In thanks to a faraway fried: Vanessa Leigh. With her writing she has inspired me to take my current job. And she has been a haven, a place to access deeper thoughts that seem to have so little place in my day to day life. Thank you Vanessa, you have been a life saver!
So I read her current piece - and I wait. For the thing that made her change her thoughts on happiness. Or maybe for the click in me, the a-ha, the awakening. I guess that's me, waiting. She started a thought that I want to finish, that needs an ending, a different happy ending. For me.
I think of my utter exhaustion these past months and how I let it get that far. How I let my energy get so drained. Which pitfalls did I reenter and which energizers did I miss out on. How I spent two chrismas holiday weeks sleeping, wondering, dreaming. About what I missed. About friendships and years that feel lost to me, lonely, wasted.
I wait. I think about a great book I read last week (in Dutch: "Het Verwende Nest" by Liza van Sambeek). On friendship of 7 women in their fifties. On judging but also on gathering. On mourning - death of a friend, lost loves. But also on celebrating. Rejoicing. Moving on. Such a great book. Such wonderful women. Such wonderful friends. How we have to make our own happiness. Make something out of it. Just do something.
I guess what I came away with is the thought that I must keep it simple. Accept that my life is petty, may seem petty to me and how I was taught, but that the joys must lie within the details. Taking time out to savour them. Rejoice in what I have instead of belittling it. Accept who I am. Forget petty perfectionism. Stretch to sketch greatness in small, sloppy things instead. See the wonder of kind people all round me. And choose. To spend time. With people. Enjoying myself. Stop thinking I need to change. Start enjoying what is there.
Today I cooked a stuffed chicken and made chicken soup. Enjoying the fragrance of fresh lemons, thymian and celery. The chicken turned out part dry part undercooked - next time, preheat the oven!! But the soup is lovely.
The turkish greengrocer gave my son of 2 a tomato. My neighbour was happy we dropped by and we cuddled on the sofa.
And friends. How I must spend more on them. Time. Energy. Love. Make them feel what they mean to me. The world, really.
I am sending my friend the book as an early birthday present.
Vanessa, far away friend, thank you for sharing your thoughts and helping me, inspiring me to finish mine.
Friends, thank you for being my friend. I shall try to show you more.
Wishing you a blissful, awesome 2010!